4:17am: Finality 22
I wanted to die. I decided to give it a year. I bought a hardcover blank book at b. dalton or some such mall content provider. I decided I would write a poem every day. I was turnin twenty-two that year so the poems were to be 22 lines long: five abab quatrains tied up and finished off by a rhyming couplet. I forced myself to write every day, starting on my birthday. This coincided with the beginning of my time as a domino's pizza delivery boy, the middle of my stint with edward the bear, and the end of the beginning of The End.
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finality 22
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I play a game to pass the time
intense conceptuality
laying Blame and laying rhyme
Delay eventuality
Last-ditch effort in a Book
Document the dismal days
Artful worth a final look
Much classier than other ways
epitome of etiquette
experimental epitaph
and pity me and do not let
the foolish flailings make you laugh
So, finally, a final chance
a final plan to set things right
for comfort in a cold romance
to get and set the world alight
I'll wander in a murky sea
till darkling depths decide my death
And bubbles be the end of me
and godless gills to grant me breath
and with new eyes I'll find a way
to write this wicked world away
(july 11 2002)
Taken places Foreign Land
furrow crease in concentration
Reeling, Dealing, feeling grand
engrossed in great intoxication
Special something someone new
architect of pretty pain
what else is there I could do
But sit and wonder in the rain
And poodles howl and puddles grow
and crying makes a splashy scene
and waves are all that I will know
To build a home in growing green
or was it me or was it real
or was it all a fantasy
Do people still know how to feel
or is that not on their TV?
But hours shift and days are free
and wartime actions make their stand
and guns are bolted to the tree
Whose roots are like a waving hand
But time will change a million things
begin with what tomorrow brings
(july 12 2002)
When sickened shadows dream like lies
and people push me in the ground
and all I see is angry eyes
and violence in all to be found
and evil cages keep the trees
and nothing brings me peace at nite
and no one gives me any keys
to open doors to make things right
and so I die like shallow pools
and so I drip like dreary days
and so I break a thousand rules
In o so many broken ways
and people laugh and people stare
and people act like I am real
and then they all pretend to care
about the stupid ways I feel
But I have tried + I have failed
and so my work is on the news
and over stupid seas I've sailed
and they see thru my foolish ruse
and so I drink myself to say
the things that make me feel this way
(july 13 2002)
So sickness fades and things remain
to make a mess of many words
and running rampant in my brain
a teasing tempting flight of birds
But weather changes feathers fall
and scatter in the rising wind
and still I wait to hear the call
to move beyond the world that sinned
and turds are floating in the punch
and blood is drying in my hair
and dust collects on colding lunch
and noodles waver in the air
But worlds are soft and words are real
and Ice is waiting for its Day
and no one hears the things I feel
and no one loves the feels I say
But time is quick, and life is short
and soon my game will see its end
and I will leave this painful port
and sail seas to seek a friend
But bloody water aches my boat
It's all I've got to stay afloat
(July 14 2002)
The world is shit and nothing's new
and no one wants to be my friend
I'm running out of things to do
and running headlong toward the end
the end of life of pain of fear
the end of trying in the dark
I start the deluge w/ a tear
I start explosions with a spark
I've naught to offer, less to gain
and nothing worth a second glance
I've just enough to buy me pain
and maybe just a single chance
But chances fade and so do I
and so I'll never be at peace
I cannot have and so I die
and still these blunders never cease
But am I not a decent guy
or is the world a rotten joke
and surely things are worth a try
without the mirrors and the smoke
But sadly, I've forgotten how
and no one wants to want me now
(July 15, 2002)
Do you remember yesterday
Do you remember simple games
When things were pleasant in a way
and books were filled w/ many names
but stapled to the final page
a notice of a hefty fine
and tear the thing apart in rage
and w/ this action, make it mine
But all possession is a lie
and all endeavours is a tease
But is that reason not to try
to cure the mind of black disease
but optimism hurts me much
to think that things could ever change
and so I sit and sulk and such
and wait for things to rearrange
But clocks they tick and say to me
"Your life is like a christmas ball"
and as I wonder how to flee
I am late to take my fall
the foolish fool the classic clown
creeping death come crashing down
(July 16, 2002)
The music rises in the dark
and perfection practice makes
and flowers fucking in the park
and pink and frilly fancy cakes
and pies and pastries rot away
and candies pack their things and leave
and cookies haven't much to say
and lady fingers simply grieve
But ice is nice and thrice as thrifty
take the things for which I've paid
with nothing new or nice or nifty
I soak in the place I made
But ringing bells are sitting silent
and the birds forget to sing
and every spiderweb is violent
and only flies can take to wing
But maggots writhe in pools of blood
and broken glass is in my eyes
and sick abortions drown in mud
and sink toward a new surprise
and grass is greener on the sun
a sad and lonely only one
(July 17 2002)
and the world is getting too sick
and the drugs are in the drink
and the lights are playing music
and so then I start to sink
and the halls are pretty empty
and the glass is pretty full
and the calls they try and tempt me
and I'm troubled by their pull
But no bricks exist for fixing
and no mortar for the seams
and no bowl to do the mixing
of the fragments of my dreams
But the camera captures glowing
for a torturous device
a machine that's never slowing
Broken rhythm, served on ice
and the drink is not your buddy
and the lies are not your friend
and you'll fall down and get muddy
with the spiders to the end
and the world is getting tricky
and her web is rather sticky
(July 18 2002)
and so the madness can't be beat
and so the cats are on the rise
and writhing like a bitch in heat
I see the sickness in your eyes
and maggots mingle on the meat
and bloody chunks are in your hair
a strange procession in the street
destroys the mind and fouls the air
and wagons pulled by awkward beasts
deliver packs of wicked wares
and as we sit for rotted feasts
we avoid the glassy stares
But things are wrong and getting worse
and I am quickly losing heart
and I'll be leaving in a hearse
and never finish what I start
I'd like to try I'd like to win
I'd like to make a difference here
But nothing cures the pain I'm in
and so I wait another year
and everything is like the past
and nothing, even this, can last
(July 19 2002)
So things are different and the same
and maybe things will work out fine
and I could learn to play the game
and things will make themselves be mine
But is the devil in the wings
to play his card and spoil the fun
and set afire the pretty things
and all the work that I have done
cause I am just a useless boy
and things can never be too nice
but art will be the cost of joy
but is that not a decent price
and she will laugh and I will fall
and all the figurines will break
and how could towers be so tall
and how could caring be so cake
But now the sun has broken earth
and harmful lights my fading face
and we'll see what it all was worth
and if there's hope in such a place
The curtains open on the play
and purple swims away the day
(July 20 2002)
And California's on the rise
and candied cake is in the street
and sparkles shine in slanted eyes
and all the fun cannot be beat
and things are never quite on time
But I will fake it if I can
and I will spend another dime
to see if I can be a man
But traps are set and spring has sprung
and I run through and play my part
and things to get and be among
attempt to break my aching heart
But I am stupid and naive
and I still hope that things are good
and glitter gropes me to believe
although I know I never could
So balls are in another court
and rackets wait to take their turn
and sadness of a standard sort
that teaches me I never learn
But at my desk I wait to try
and I will be here till I die
(July 21 2002)
The screaming sound of sour tones
the raking of the midnight air
the skeletons display their bones
while wishing that they still had hair
The walls are dripping w/ the dew
the plates are dirty in the sink
and as I'm tangled up in blue
I wish that I was in the pink
But rosy lenses have been cracked
and nothing left is worth a look
I'm ready and my things are packed
But all the pictures have been took
Maybe they were merely taken
and the film is merely dry
maybe I am just mistaken
and I never had to cry
But my eyes are red and tired
and my spirit dead and cold
she could make me feel inspired
she could do as I was told
But the lies are growing deep
So I sink into a sleep
(July 22 2002)
And people play their petty games
and try to make me play along
but I could barely catch their names
before they told me I was wrong
and sympathy can win you much
But not a lover or a friend
or nothing you can hold or touch
or things to make the madness end
But voices work like broken glass
or maybe it's like broken light
But surely it will come to pass
that things will make themselves be right
But such a day is not yet here
Nor is it even sure to come
But I'll be patient for a year
and maybe mine will be like some
But maybe mine are doomed to stay
just as they have always done
And I will wait my life away
waiting for the rising sun
But night is newly fallen from the sky
and I've much dark to see before I die
(July 23 2002)
The road is long and beaten by the sun
and all my wheels spin out of control
and in a ditch I find its never fun
to use my hands to dig myself a hole
My fingers bloodied by the earth
my head distracted by the bees
and monkeys disregard my worth
and fling their feces from the trees
and peanuts sit and squirrels laugh
and cars whiz by to being laid
and I sit on my golden calf
and wait in vain to buy a spade
But rain is coming in the clouds
and water washes dirty sheets
and god dispels the filthy crowds
who shuffle back to take their seats
and spectacles are ending soon
and lights are dimming on the stage
and clouds are blocking out the moon
and water smears the written page
and still the hole is getting deep
and so I try to hide in sleep
(July 24 2002)
and whores are naked in the streets
and candy blood is in their eyes
and dripping draining on the sheets
and foul and fire between their thighs
But ropes build bridges to a dream
and candy eyes are glazing fast
and I can't help but stop and scream
as I believe I had a past
But beds are empty things are gone
and the webs are growing grey
and the disease of the dawn
belches forth another day
But I am sick and growing tired
and my will is wearing thin
and I show up to be fired
and be lost in endless sin
But no sin exists for taking
and my hands are knowing cold
and no warmth exists on waking
and I'm only growing old
But my years will never climb
I am running out of time
(July 25 2002)
And I have failed at my task
and I will never see the light
a sudden end is all I ask
to save me from this broken night
The bottle broke me in the end
I tried to fight it but I lost
I found out he was not my friend
and just a portion of my cost
But I am sick and I am dying
vomit stains the floor and walls
I've no longer hope for trying
skin is broken from my falls
She has left me in the puddle
Night has fallen on my face
There's no things to love or cuddle
in this cold and concrete place
But the night is tropics jungle
and the floor is rising steam
and my ear is ringing rungle
rashy dashy drippy dream
Save me from another day
I cannot live and feel this way
(July 26 2002)
Hang the signs and kill the laughter
sweep the alleys of debris
I can't find what I am after
and the cops are after me
Paranoia is a prison
Sheets are white and folded neat
and a summer has arisen
Ice is melting in the heat
hope is wrong and things are fleeting
nothing lasts but nothing's real
phones are silenced for the meeting
and we plan what we will steal
Broken bones and bleeding sloppy
toast and coffee butter warm
Bees are slow and seas are choppy
and we're steadied by the swarm
Humming hives of honey hunters
Buoyant business of belief
Shyly shear and shocking shunt hers
spiders cling to autumn's leaf
maggots writhe inside discarded doll
green gives way to fire for a fall
(July 27 2002)
Eyes are right and like disaster
peeking out and making noise
Things are moving slightly faster
and I've broken many toys
games are over in the garden
Dice have rolled away the night
Hello Miss, I beg your pardon
Could you set my path to right
Take my picture make me money
Let me taste my way to bliss
I could die or else be funny
waiting patient for a kiss
Sickbed charlie broken nurse
Bedpan blackened baby basket
final flatline feeling worse
Climb into a cozy casket
feeling flows and writing letters
sealing wax off in the lake
Hoping to impress my betters
Such a chance I'll have to take
eyes that wander off the plate
find me in a different state
(July 28 2002)
Sleepful daze and watchful nights
a million things to go away
I close my eyes to hide the sights
that come with each successive day
But people knock and people beat
and people pound their bloody drums
and sleep is never at my feet
and dreams a thing that never comes
But I want dark and I want cold
and I want freedom in my cave
I want to be alone and old
to live with all the things I save
But such a life is not becoming
lights are on and things are bright
and all the crazy tunes I'm humming
coat the walls with not-quite-right
But bash my brains in with a rock
and let me fall my way to sleep
and never let me hear you talk
and never lift me from the deep
the only way to happiness is down
and so I seek a proper place to drown
(July 29 2002)
The heat is crushing all my plans
and steam is rising from the cracks
and I have burnt my stupid hands
and built a home in melted wax
But fire is not a toy or game
instead a weapon of disease
and I will lose myself to flame
and disappear in burning trees
The wind will soothe an angry beast
and calm him for another spell
But slowly rising in the east
the first beginning flames of hell
and why is ice a thing forgotten
where do penguins go to die
and what is this that I've been caught in
and just how slow does time go by
I need a couple thousand dollars
maybe that would buy me love
or several diamond studded collars
wrapped in what I'm thinking of
But gifts are never given in the west
and I have failed to pass the test
(July 30 2002)
imagine life that never ends
I do not see me growing old
I really haven't any friends
or things that I could have or hold
I'm Jack the Ripper in the night
I'm cutting carving breaking skin
and darkness keeps me out of sight
and keeps them all from growing thin
and storks bring broken babies home
and ragged freaks resolve to die
and wet and lonely streets I roam
and no one even wonders why
and I was young, once, I was strong
and I had powers of the gods
But now my magic tricks are wrong
and all I speak is drunken nods
and slurry speeches break my stride
and canned momentum buys me time
But now where's nowhere I can hide
and I am sinking in the slime
and blades are sharper than before
and I don't want to live no more
(July 31 2002)
a scrambled letter omelet of despair
a withered wisp of hope and holding hands
a sick and shifting softly padded chair
and box of paper clips and rubber bands
and ten is slightly larger than an eight
and spiders slowly slink away to die
and sweaters knitted for you while you wait
protect you from the icicles on high
But caves are cold and want to be alone
and water trickles down between the rocks
and nothing is no sound except a moan
but that would keep you from your darning socks
and why are people laying broken bricks
and why are buildings falling to the sea
and who is still enraptured by your tricks
and who can do their simple shows for free
a million dollars shining in the street
a million ways to find a final fate
a rhythm and a tune that can't be beat
and pages roll upon another date
But clocks are not impressive in the rain
and progress is a dream destroyed by pain
(August 1 2002)
Perfection is a perfect dream
though not too likely to occur
But still we try and crash and scream
and try to get in bed with her
But life is jagged at the edge
and nothing looks like it will work
and so I sit upon the ledge
and linger as the shadows lurk
But why my hands can never make
a thing of beauty I don't know
But so instead I sit and take
and wait for things like this to go
But nothing makes this world a place
that I would like to stick around
and so with tears upon my face
I jump to try to hit the ground
and falling flashing thunder sky
disappears above my head
and so I fall and wait to die
and wonder when I will be dead
a daydream for another day
will wash the wicked world away
(August 2 2002)
And eyes are turned toward the sky
in search of something from above
a message or a chance to try
a bit of hope a bit of love
the only answer I receive
is fire upon my lightning rod
and so I pack my things and leave
for I have erred and angered God
But I could never get away
and I would never really hurt her
and I would love her in the day
while nights are fill'd with thoughts of murder
and walls are closing on my room
and I can barely draw a breath
and I can sense impending doom
and I await the hand of death
for I have squandered all my joy
and I have broken all my glass
and I am just a broken boy
waiting for the days to pass
But no relief is on the shelf
I'll have to end this pain myself
(August 3 2002)
And godless keepers of the keys
confuse my mind with thoughts of luck
and every woman is a tease
with not a one willing to fuck
and people move like little ants
and move toward a plastic grave
and pockets jingle as they dance
will all the worthless coins they save
and nothings doing in my pants
for my disease has gone too far
I've thrown away my final chance
and burnt my dreams up with my car
But I have pictures in my head
and howling winds repeat her name
and she'll be happy when I'm dead
so life is just a waiting game
I wait for something to go wrong
I wait for closure in this place
I wait to write the perfect song
and leave this world without a trace
I've made it to another dawn
But cannot see me going on
(August 4 2002)
O god what have i done to you
please save me from the rising wind
I'm sorry for the things I do
and all the many times I've sinned
Just let me make it thru alright
and let me leave a little more
and let me sleep a peaceful night
and let me walk thru heaven's door
I really do not want to die
it seems to be my only way
the only chance that I can try
the only choice to see the day
I tried and failed but want to win
and maybe dreams can happen fast
and all the stupid pain I'm in
could be a nuisance of the past
But hope is just a heartless whore
she teases me with lies of love
cos things aren't pretty anymore
and that is wot I'm tired of
But death is such a hefty price
to feel once again the nice
(August 5 2002)
and things can change if time is short
and waters wash the dirty dregs
and sail me toward a peaceful port
and save me from distended legs
and dictionaries say the words
that make the world a time to sing
and noise from the teeming herds
speaks of what the dawn will bring
But clocks run slow and over dirt
and power lines are in the street
and fishes swim in seas of hurt
and evolution gives them feet
and monkeys swing and junkies howl
and bottles break against the floor
and eager rapists on the prowl
wanna get a little more
But dough is rising in the pan
bread is baking in the hearth
fire stokes a colding man
and morning warms a colding earth
taken by a nice surprise
strange dispassion fills my eyes
(August 6 2002)
and time is mine and grass is green
and good things grow upon the vine
and nothing lingers in between
to drown themselves in perfect wine
But buttons push themselves away
and nights decapitate the trees
and slowly rising with the day
a black and humming cloud of fleas
O save me from their prying eyes
O keep me sheltered from the swarm
and buy me lots of happy highs
and blankets that will keep me warm
I'm feeling I might make it thru
and find a way to leave this trap
But there are things I've yet to do
and nothing wants to read this crap
Cos all this writing is a bore
and it will only soil my name
and it won't matter anymore
and I will hang my head in shame
I wish that things could be alright
with all this darkness out of sight
(August 7 2002)
Since a time that I forgot
I have wandered in the rain
lost in towns and lost in thought
I explore the depths of pain
Chinese writing on the wall
tells me I've not long to live
save me from a fateful fall
I've a little more to give
wrap me up in linens white
show me movies in the dark
maybe shed a little light
tease me please me for a lark
End the walks on moonlit lanes
spray contention in the street
olding men on weakened canes
hum the tune and keep the beat
Buttered popcorn on the floor
sticky gumshoe resonate
flashing sign above the door
tells me I'm a little late
Pitch a tent to wait for dawn
then it's time for moving on
(August 8 2002)
Shifting lines and shadow eyes
stapled to another dream
caught by soggy soft surprise
try to take one for the team
wash the windows pick the locks
carry baskets down the stairs
store your heartache in a box
try to lug away your cares
calming things like my last nerve
wishing waiting for a flow
things that I do not deserve
try to change the things I know
tie me up and kill the lights
let me freeze myself to death
ash to ice and dusty nights
try to catch my foggy breath
crashing waves and shifting sands
caravans to broken beds
tightly wringing empty hands
trying teaching empty heads
Why the world is nothing but a bore
going thru the motions is a chore
(August 9 2002)
Crowded streets of smelly herds
flocking toward a flashing lights
growing groves of perching birds
sit and watch the silly sights
try to claw my way upstream
like a salmon in the sun
wishing it was all a dream
clawing things in search of fun
green and glowing in the dark
neon nightlife naked night
rough and swimming like a shark
waiting for a nasty bite
sea and salty liquid green
stranger walking on a beach
taking in a pretty scene
comet stars are out of reach
missing you and missing kiss
missing my canal of roots
missing that and missing this
kicking sand off of my boots
Dark and island locked afar
this of course is for the par
(August 10 2001)
Stage the light and turn the page
show me shows to pass the days
Rock and roll are all the rage
Raging in a million ways
Break and steak and silly sun
Shining on a pebbled floor
dancing till the deal's done
can't believe it any more-
How did I end up in bed
Where's the girl I used to know
Things are swimming in my head
and I think it's time to go
Church of wisdom pulling teeth
gums are bleeding in the sink
open mouth a twisted wreath
Red and white and sharp and pink
Chewing on a crunchy dream
Nighting things to feel life
dynametric laser beam
Wishing woman was a wife
Caught inside a magic spell
taught what I could never tell
(August 11 2002)
filling feast of flowing flower
growing great in helping hands
waiting on the lating hour
shipping off to foreign lands
work is waiting on the strings
windmills turning in the stars
devils flap their ragged wings
drinking in some seedy bars
carried downward by a breeze
kiting in the classic sense
careful dodging angry trees
vocal protest picket fence
flowing river of belief
helping me to float away
justly labeled as a thief
stacking muffins on my tray
Crystal bottle genie tale
stuck in stories of a chance
Fictions I forget to fail
dreaming days away I dance
stapled to a rotten cross
Die lamenting total loss
(August 12 2002)
Day is falling on my night
all machines a constant drone
power makes a blurry sight
working fingers to the bone
flattened boxes of a trip
throwing caution to the wind
stinging under cracking whip
under dreadful works I'm pinned
Stumbling blindly here and there
left indentured to a lark
tumbling into fattened air
wake up sweating in the dark
write the letters to the god
waiting for the mail man
wheel barrows filled with sod
do more than a pail can
planting trees and pulling weeds
gardens waiting for the sun
water feeds the hungry seeds
liquid air and earth are one
break the glass and pour the wine
celebrate assembly line
(August 13 2002)
Searching thru a box of coats
Striping plaid and leather bound
Needle haystack sowing oats
feeling I am lost and found
Friendly face in mirror glass
like a spectre from the past
turning signal try to pass
But I'm going way too fast
Crashing burning in a ditch
sold my future for a look
life is such a heartless bitch
better buy a better book
All this writing is a shamble
Things are sloppy and a mess
I just masturbate and ramble
Less is more and more is less
I will never be a light
in somebody else's eyes
I am too extreme a sight
nothing to romanticize
But I still wish I could be
stuck with someone loving me
(August 14 2002)
Wonder where the reason lies
stringing lights upon a tree
watch it grow until it dies
walk away uncertainly
Special K is blue and brown
bowling beating magic days
pack your bags and go to town
watching in a wispy haze
oldened zombies stalk the door
Knocking for an open light
fighting them is such a chore
on this strange confusing night
Blackened bottles of despair
drip away along the street
filling faces fancy fair
Waiting til we both can meet
Crap and broken silly shit
laugh and cry and run and hide
one thing left and this is it
to keep you happy when I've died
But art is tainted by my plan
And I am just a failed man
(August 15 2002)
Pensive moods and sandy skies
torture me upon the wall
darkened room with candle eyes
push me higher for my fall
wishing things were locked away
wishing I was cold in peace
Millions laughing at the day
and the death for just a piece
Save me save me from the heat
save me from a bloody bed
all the magic can't be beat
even if it's in my head
dance me to another place
dream me to a better time
let me look upon your face
and hear in it a pretty rhyme
gods throw dice from growing clouds
raining on my new parade
I swim my way thru angry crowds
and crash upon the beach I made
wishing that you wanted me
wishing you could set me free
(August 16 2002)
Driving in the blazing sun
Caught inside a cold cliche
talent isn't any fun
and isn't present any way
But I could be the special one
to think my way out of a bag
and kindergames would all be done
and spent upon a bloody rag
oh loneliness a darkened tomb
But just enough to keep me sane
and tied to nothing in my room
I wait for nothing in the rain
and no one tracks my every move
or even cares if they occur
and I have nothing left to prove
and nowhere I can be with her
But she is nowhere to be found
because she wants to be alone
and so she hides under the ground
it seems she didn't bring a phone
and dew is growing on the grass
that covers things that come to pass
(August 17 2002)
and here i sit again in bed
planning wot I wish to see
swimming thru my empty head
Dreaming of what couldn't be
Blinking lights do not alert
and half-assed chances slip away
I wake up alone and hurt
In a realistic day
Shaven heads I'm quite aware
that I've fallen pretty deep
even now she doesn't care
So i sleep me back to sleep
Why do pillows never walk
Staying under my beliefs
Mouldy walls that cannot talk
and mighty moos from broken beefs
Shifty tongues and eager breasts
party plane and pleasant treats
crashing cars and failed tests
hearts that skip a thousand beats
Folding pamphlets in the rain-
sailing boats into the drain
(August 18 2002)
Slaving ships and solid smiles
tied to boards beneath the deck
Rising waves a million miles
Rusty chains around my neck
Let me land and find a calling
Let me work my way to death
Let me make my myself appalling
Killing flowers with a breath
Salad days and salad dressing
Ranch is rotting in the drought
Blackened women give their blessing
disregarding any doubt
Festive hats and party pouches
candy fill'd and sugar sweet
sulking beast toward heaven slouches
slowly dragging furry feet
I will never see the ending
I will never build a box
I will never feel the mending
or the breaking of these locks
nothing new will ease the pains
I'll be buried in these chains
(August 19 2002)
glitter glistens on the page
twilight twinkles in his eyes
vision brims with red of rage
fire fueled by life of lies
sleep is easy in the dark
eyes are tired in the day
fingers scratch another mark
watch my sentence slip away
Judge and Jury sent me packing
scurry under dirty sheets
life is something I am lacking
Fill the void with empty sweets
Silk and satin taco salad
stuck in D and G again
singing silly happy ballad
thirteen twelve eleven ten
nine eight seven sive five four
three two one and back to start
as I've fallen to the floor
landing on my broken heart
Spreading hate with angry knives
Swimming thru pathetic lives
(August 20 2002)
Shadow summer in the plains
lighting candles of delight
washing windows in the rains
painting windows black with night
Breaking bottles in the hall
mothers crying on her dress
wishing I could fix it all
going through a dusty mess
Cardboard boxes of my life
shuffled into empty rooms
crumpled clothings of a wife
decorate a thousand tombs
Baking biscuits on the sun
shining rays of harmful heat
legs are melting as I run
bubbling puddles are my feet
fading power of the pen
signing checks to buy a fate
only question left is when
turning pages set a date
tires in my closing eyes
hope and faith eternal dies
(August 21 2002)
Waving handshakes in your eye
drunken zombies in the fair
wonder why I even try
when the world is never there
flying disc is flying faster
disappearing in the sun
glowing light a rightful master
bringing light and lighting fun
summer skies the longing morning
cancer spreads beneath my skin
little lumps the early warning
little games I cannot win
sailing ships across the ocean
drinking water from the sea
salty tongues with snake-like motion
please the things that comfort me
Baking in a wooden cabin
making sure the anchor drops
Rotting holds to chat and gab in
leaving port to flee the cops
drowning in a life of waste
salty death is all I taste
(August 22 2002)
Venus mindtrap in the lawn
whose intentions are not vague
all I know is you are gone
and I miss you like the plague
Rats are crawling in the garden
taking leave from sinking ships
Would the Gods grant me a pardon
if I killed to kiss your lips
plotting plans and planning dreams
night are spent in inky sheets
waiting for the burning screams
dancing naked in the streets
lies are quick to calm a fire
drinks are slow to dull the pain
photographs create desire
love is washed away by rain
puddles house the new mosquitoes
waiting for the precious blood
human flautas and taquitos
hatch and handjive in the mud
bubbles break the water's skin
drawing breath the dirt comes in
(August 23 2002)
Broken fragments of a mind
failing genius in his bed
Documents what he can find
in the remnants of his head
faded brilliance fills a books
nothing worth a dollar bill
Catching naught but dirty looks
eyes suggest that I could kill
catch me falling if you can
fingers twitch on blazing nerves
I am an exquisite man
if correct memory serves
O what lies I have been spreading
no one buys my tales of me
down is only where I'm heading
dying god they cannot see
I was born upon a mountain
in a city in the clouds
now I die inside a fountain
all the statues wearing shrouds
grieving stones bemoan my fate
washing windows while they wait
(August 24 2002)
Writing myself against the wall
Running headlong out of steam
wishing I could trash it all
and start all over in a dream
My self control is weak and tired
I cannot stop myself from me
I'm working waiting to be fired
let the powers set me free
evil godmen have arisen
laughing in their shiny cars
as I sit here in my prison
staring out between the bars
and cash will pay for endless sin
and money talks about the war
and time is only where I've been
and I can't stand it anymore
I want a clean and friendly slate
to go to town like once before
to have a new and breakfast plate
like it was nineteen ninety four
I'll take my life and shuffle on
and no one miss me when I'm gone
(August 25 2002)
I cannot help but stain your dress
in silent echos of my love
and nothing helps but to impress
upon you what I'm thinking of
My life will never be a plot
of picture shows or classic books
and memories are all I've got
remembering the longing looks
and toxic fountain fishing nets
catch a million fattened worms
and this is all the hunter gets
crying as his capture squirms
Save me from the walking stick
beating me into a gray
mindless floating makes me sick
I don't wish to stay this way
I was young once I was real
In had magic in my words
But the women cannot feel
and they mingle in the herds
does not special ways excite
captivate a falling night
(August 26 2002)
People flock in dull repute
waiting for the silent rings
Santa's given me the boot
and none of my needful things
Roads are winding thru the trees
women live in castles high
combing thru a box of bees
stinging me to make me cry
What has happened to the youth
Power in a special glance
I cannot confess the truth
and I waste a rarest chance
Beat myself against the time
that I should have spend in bed
I would spend my only dime
for a trip inside her head
No one talks and no one cares
everyone is on their tasks
and she never ever shares
poetry from behind masks
catch the basin drips itself
stacking failures on a shelf
(August 27 2002)
Seven broken bottles jingle
Crashing in an open bin
tips of severed fingers tingle
flapping like a dorsal fin
is that right or is it crazy
am I swimming in the tank
am I just a little lazy
maybe that is why I sank
Save me from the candy water
dripping sticky like a stain
swimming like a gothic otter
twirling swirling in the rain
and the christians are forgiving
and they buy me food to eat
but their message is not living
and their voices are not sweet
tangled in a liquid river
Blue and buried in the deep
wishing i could meet the giver
try to hide myself in sleep
selling souls to earn a buck
slowly running out of luck
(August 28 2002)
Seven dirty words remind me
of a girl I used to know
that is why I think you'll find me
face down bloody in the snow
Who would think that I would kiss her
though that day has gathered dust
so I sit and wait and miss her
and my robot feelings rust
How could she ignore my feelings
How can she forget the days
that we spent in simple stealings
wot a strange recurrent phase
Once before the world was righted
and the beams did come to life
arcing light was reunited
and I played without a wife
time was quick and letters written
Bells would ring to make me smile
heart attacked by sexy kitten
taking sandwiches a while
all my world has turned to black
I wish she would bring her back
(August 29 2002)
Waste away again in town
things will not end with a smile
everything is breaking down
happening for quite a while
People treat me like a cancer
people shun me like disease
death might be the only answer
just to sink in stormy seas
tie the weight around my person
throw myself into the drink
panic as conditions worsen
close my eyes and wait to sink
Why o why are things retarded
why are people fill'd with spite
I can't finish wot I started
and I hate thruout the night
Backwards music from the speaker
doesn't bring a bit of peace
ever I am growing weaker
tied to nonsense by a lease
I can't take another year
I was never happy here
(August 30 2002)
running like a cotton slave
heating headlong in the haze
blood and sweat is wot I gave
in the most distressing days
women eye the falling silk
dollar bills drop thru my hand
Nipples drip with rancid milk
and I'm playing with the band
streets are fill'd with angry light
then are emptied in a wave
as I battle thru the night
lucky pennies do not save
outperformed by hulking beasts
tainted by a life of lies
sitting down to fatting feasts
stick my fingers in the pies
I was young once as I've said
people wondered what I was
I had fire in my head
But no longer a because
left to wither in the muck
out of time and out of luck
(August 31 2002)
Tell me you exist to please
tell me you will change my mind
end this crawling on my knees
seeking needles I can't find
silly palm mute power slop
crappy countrylicious gold
angry eyes of traffic cop
all the shamrocks have been sold
stop your silliness and crap
and these words are very bad
I am just a whiny sap
and my jokes are very sad
stop the lying and the shit
let me write the way I feel
where's the passion and the wit
and the wordy hyperreal
shine the flashlight in the hole
lucidate the dying gnome
playing out my proper role
in a dark and hateful home
Nothing makes it worth my while
Nothing breaks or fakes a smile
(September 1 2002)
Nothing changes in the summer
leaves are waiting to be dead
and I slowly growing dumber
losing things that should be said
Just a Joker in the rain
Just a shuffled deck to swab
Just a bit of grassy pain
Plotting heists so I can rob
Mask myself and pull a gun
take and taste the world away
Dying hard in search of fun
working toward a brighter day
like a multimillion soup
like a sheet of bubble glass
I have flown the bitch's coop
and my day shall come to pass
what to do and how to do it
where to go in time of need
find a happy home and screw it
find a flowing trough and feed
Muzzle me so I can walk
bit and bridled as I talk
(September 2 2002)
Baking breaking in the hearth
Bubbling beneath the heat
flopping drunken on the earth
floating halfway down the street
Faking things to earn accepting
taking pictures of the sun
crossing things away excepting
wishing weary works were done
Sleeping like a dying victim
fearing beauty in her eyes
She has waved her hand and tricked him
and he hides to kill surprise
Bring me kites to pass the hours
Bring me kittens with no claws
give my love a thousand flowers
give me peace without a pause
Bend the strings that bear repeating
write your number on the wall
waiting for the daily beating
waiting for the fateful call
Spicy lines of tilted planes
trace away respectful gains
(September 3 2002)
office in a steel forest
stacking boxes in the shade
screeching of a drunken chorus
wonder at the world we've made
Blackened I recall the fire
frozen I forget the fall
Drunken I demand desire
wistfully I watch the wall
caged I pace like free range chickens
Filled with rest and quiet rage
overnight like gravy thickens
dripping toppings from my cage
Shelter me from prying creatures
Build me boxes in the rain
Keep my eyes from fancy features
press my buttons in the pain
how did I forget the bottle
drinking in a dollar's time
paying for a care and coddle
helmeted for half a dime
speaking makes the world a game
Drunken I forget my name
(September 4 2002)
Lounging in a folding chair
basking in the summer heat
Melting under icy stare
drippings gather at my feet
Racing in a curvy field
grassing like a hopping hulk
Scurry thru the larger yield
popcorns pop themselves in bulk
all confusing all the time
24 is just a song
placing eyelets pindrop rhyme
Slowly make my way along
Rockets fire blast and burst
Spreading in a darkened air
sick devotion is the worst
other duties can't compare
placards tell me of a story
where to walk and not to step
lest i end up dead and gory
lest the laughter taint my rep
Coughing blood to stain the walls
No one hears my bubbly calls
(September 5 2002)
Oh the pot is boiling over
Oh the heat had come undone
feeling like a franklin stove or
highrise condos on the sun
trip away the twisting daisies
tear the petals in disgust
give the rest to rambling crazies
let them gather in the dust
Medic grab the parts that wobble
give me fire give me glue
Sit and watch me as I hobble
Stumbling without a clue
and the language is forgotten
and the dreams are just a way
to escape the real and rotten
for a couple cents a day
Sally Struthers is in trouble
Mercury is on the rise
everyone is seeing double
Comets streak across the skies
Fire cleans the tainted streets
and the gods reclaim their seats
(September 6 2002)
plastic parties in the palace
gowns and diamonds in the light
every woman filled with malice
hunting heroes in the night
Streets are clogged with rotting refuse
Winds of change disturb the trash
and to die would be my best use
Make a statement make a splash
float me sideways in a schooner
Drown me empty with a glass
let me sleep a little sooner
let me touch a bit of class
Psychedelic super phone booth
garbage bags of food to eat
and my eyes are like my own tooth
looking for a bit of sweet
Fuzzy vision in the lighting
Fingers make themselves be heard
all behold the special sighting
of the rare and special bird
Flocking in a drowning rain
Drink the lies to ease the pain
(September 7 2002)
Perfect shadows in the corner
Hide their evil watchful eyes
and in vain I try to warn her
of a Quick and Dark surprise
And his glance knows all the answers
laying messages to god
and his face is full of cancers
and his mouth is full of sod
Fat and happy poultry patron
flap your jelly laden wings
and exacerbate the matron
who consumes before she sings
tie me to a plastic party
chain me to a bed of lies
pour me soups of thick and hearty
push my fingers in the pies
Oh to live among the whispers
and to lie atop the clouds
and to trouble all the lispers
and to decimate the crowds
Blue are eyes that sing of grace
tears will wash an ugly face
(September 8 2002)
I have borne the wounds of battle
I display the scars of time
I have rode atop the cattle
I have lingered in a rhyme
I am cut and I am bloody
I am burnt and I am bruised
I and black and I am muddy
know that I have been abused
Read me in a shallow sunrise
bleed me in a foggy haze
Need me for a million fun cries
Need me for a million days
Welcome to a house of bitches
look upon their lying eyes
Kick the body as it twitches
Clip the tongue that loves and lies
What's the news upon the city
Who will read that I am gone
whose relief will pass for pity
On that ever-nearing dawn
Find me rotting in my room
Cold and empty as a tomb
(September 9 200II)
and the pigs sit down for meetings
sweating choking in their ties
laughing snorting at the beatings
reaping profits from their lies
Do not fix what's not expensive
wait until it's gone too far
With the damage comprehensive
I will die without a car
Flowers wilt in dusty vases
in illusion comfort lies
see the hatred in their faces
turn to smiles as he dies
Fingers drum to ease the waiting
People come to see the show
taking time away from mating
they will turn to see me go
Mail order magnifection
Perfect pipes of texas tea
corner signs away election
Happiness is not for me
doctors touch me thru a rubber glove
Die forsaken by the one I love
(September 10 2002)
Wake the night and stem the horde
calm the crashing of the waves
save the salvage of the lord
Blanket cover willing slaves
sell your dollars for a penny
let me taste a little fear
and the few destroy the many
on our silent hemisphere
staple glasses to the cracking
in the ovum of delight
send the swarthy ones a-packing
in the inky crystal night
But wot needs exist for filling
and wot lies will fill the seams
catching puddles from the spilling
of the sloppiness of dreams
Who invented stupid salads
Who's impressed by silly tricks
fingering a million ballads
looking for a foolish fix
and the towers fall to sea
melting like what's left of me
(September 11 2002)
Thrumming humming like a million
waking baking in the sky
float about a million billion
dancing laughing as they cry
taint the bacon bits of heaven
float the biscuits of a dream
sleep me like a solid seven
float me upwards in a stream
Save the pennies in an orchard
plant the sapling in the dirt
and the seeds are also tortured
growing out of plastic hurt
But my lies will seal the casket
and the crowds will shuffle by
and the dollars in the basket
Barely pay to see me cry
Playing catch up to a crazy
filling buckets with a hole
and it's not that I am lazy
I'm just perfect in my role
dance the tangless things away
Float into another day
(September 12 2002)
and the thirteen ghosts of morning
Walk the halls of shallow death
Silently they speak a warning
chilling eyes and catching breath
Don't deride the dancing devils
Don't believe in silly rules
There are many thousand levels
in the tower of the fools
do not climb to be delighted
do not fall to be at peace
do not gesture at the sighted
do not cuddle the obese
Don't forget the dancing waters
that would trickle down your back
like the fancy headed daughters
who would speak without a quack
and the parakeets are lucky
as they spy upon the prize
nodding like a rubber ducky
with a passion in their eyes
place your hand upon the book
I deserve a second look
(September 13 2002)
O the floodgates have been broken
and the water trickles in
and no sooner wet than spoken
I will take her for a spin
like a spider weaving magic
like a juggler on the edge
I perform the tricks of tragic
and I teeter on the ledge
Things are dark and so confusing
and I'm coming on the clock
and the sparkle is amusing
and I'd rather fly than walk
But my dreams are nothing better
and they've ceased to be alive
and the streets are only wetter
and they glisten as I drive
all I want is open season
in the valley of the dolls
to be loved without a reason
to be happy in these walls
But her eyes are far away
and I'll never know to say
(September XIV MMII)
And the orient is calling
and the beach is growing claws
and I feel that I am falling
and I wait without a pause
and the blackness is a fire
and the sizzle is a feast
and I wither in desire
and I turn into the Beast
reaching for a blind companion
dying in the sands of time
like the hours of the canyon
the geology of rhyme
see my sediment of power
see the crystal days of yore
like a shadow casting flower
like a silver winged whore
Who the hell am I deceiving
Why can no one see me thru
they don't care that I am leaving
and I wouldn't if they do
Bake me into seven cakes
that is all it really takes
(September 15 2002)
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amused
nostalgic
